Worms

September 10, 2007

It’s been a while since my last post and the reason was much more mundane this time. My computer crashed due to the virus in the system. As of last check, there were five worms and 2,443 malicious spywares in the computer so it’s a wonder it didn’t crash earlier. The anti-virus software was no use either as the virus/es rendered it impotent.  

How could a worm do so much damage?

I remember when I was a child many summers ago when our father forced us to drink Combantrin to deworm us. Papa said not to worry because we’re just going to shit the dead worms when we defecate. Au naturél baby!

So Hakuna Matata, right?

After a couple of days, we played in the backyard totally forgetting the whole Combantrin episode. We were squatting on the earth playing with jolens, or marbles if you will. The game is pretty simple: you draw a circle on the soil where you set the marbles. The number of marbles inside the circle might vary from the number of players and how much the players are willing to bet. Then some six to seven feet from the circle you draw a straight line where the game commences. You get down on your knees and use your thumb and your pointer finger to fling that marble or pambato towards the cluster of marbles inside the circle and whichever marble that gets nudged outside the circle is yours. The winner gets the most marbles and the bragging rights.   

Of course, we didn’t see the sense of wearing drawers then, (that’s underwear for you, non-British readers) because our uncircumcised shaft was barely two inches long (Unlike today, ehem! When it’s already 2 ½ inches long. Erect. Bwahahaha!).

Okay, you didn’t need to know that.

Anyway, my youngest brother bent over because it was his turn, right? We were directly behind him and we saw something violently moving from inside his short pants. Naturally, we were curious and tugged at his shorts and the thing fell. It was the biggest worm I ever saw.

Even as I write this post, trusting the dimensions of the worm on my fading memory, I still couldn’t believe the size of that thing. That was no worm; that was a snake!

It was about three feet long and about the diameter of a pansit lomi. And it was thrashing fiercely. When my brother saw the worm he dashed straight towards where my father and uncles were, the worm still suspended from his buttcrack like Son Gokou’s hairy tale in the anime series Dragonball Z.    

When my father and uncles saw it, they jumped in fright. Such sissies, really. At least they managed to hold my brother down so he’d stop running around. He screamed, however, every time the worm touched his leg. The next problem was obvious: who’s going to yank the worm away from my brother’s anxious ass?

Well, the houseboy volunteered but he wasn’t touching that thing with his bare hands, fuck you very much. So he picked up a piece of paper marked Lion-Tiger katol from the ground and while my father and uncle held my brother, the houseboy pulled the worm/snake and I swear I heard it pop.   

So, how could a worm do so much damage?  

Well, when my father and uncles jumped, one of them smashed his shin on the edge of the table and the Tanduay bottle they were drinking toppled over, spilling its contents; the blocks of ice spattered on the ground and my uncle suffered a cut on his shin. Blood was everywhere, not least of which came from my brother’s ass from the worm’s sharp teeth, and our game of marbles was aborted.

You heard about the Butterfly Effect? This is the Combantrin Effect. You drink a tablet of that crap and you shit worms for real.

Papa told us later that when they were young, my lolo also had them dewormed. His brother had the same experience as my younger brother with a slight, albeit disgusting, difference: the woozy worm found itself on my uncle’s nostrils.

Thanks to that bit of unnecessary information, the next few days were a torture. Maybe amid all that ruckus, he forgot something possibly life-changing to an impressionable child: I, too, swallowed a pill of Combantrin, remember?

And oh, we spent P750 for the computer’s repair.  Fucking worms!

suntoy

August 13, 2007

Kung kinsa man nagsulti way rason para mopatay ug tawo kay sigurado wa pa katilaw ug suntoy.

Unsa man nang suntoy? Inday, undoy mao kanang dula sa mga way buot (immature ba) nga mga batang laki kay wa man jud ko kita nga babae na gisuntoy, ka delikado ana uroy basi unsay pay matuslok nuon.

Simple lang ang posisyon. Idikit inyong mga kamot unya siguroa nga gataroy ang inyong duha ka tudlo. Kanang tudlo ninyo nga gamit kung manudlo mo pamasangil sa uban ha? Dili kanang pang pak yu o pangkulkog ninyo nga tudlo kay baho na.

Huna-hunaa lang ang porma ni Eugene sa Ghost Fighter pero ayaw tawn itutok sa ilahang ngil-ad na nawong kay way mogawas na laser gikan sa inyong ray gun diha maski unsaon ninyo ug syagit. Ang buhaton ninyo, sundan ninyo inyo amigo (ayaw imong kaaway kay di na makasabot sa inyo joke maski unsa ka katawanan), assume da posisyon dayon ang inyong kamot, hulata magpuyo na siya, pungko ka sa iya may lubot dapit ug gamita ang inyong tanan kusog (utong ka sama sa upat ka adlaw ka na wa kalibang maski pila ka kapayas na imong gikaon) ug ipaslak nang imong tudlo sa iyang kibot!  

Uso nang suntoy sauna tong hi-skul pa ko. Suntoy didto, suntoy dire. Sumbagay didto, tamparos dire. Unsaon ta man nga daghan man pikon sa kalibutan. Busa ayaw katingala kung square amo lubot sa una kay notebook na siya amo giipit sa amo pantalon. Tanawon ta lang ug di mabali na inyong tudlo kung suntoyon ninyo ang nawong ni sheryl cruz.

Kahinumdom ko tong una ko nasuntoyan. Sama sa daghan pikon, daghan pud tanga ug usa nako didto. Unta diay nakabantay nako nga miabot na diay ang uso pagkakita nko mga studyante sa elementarya nagbaguod ug tabon sa ilahang kibot gamit ilang duha ka kamot. Mao pagsaka nako sa hagdanan padulong sa amo classroom, nakatilaw ko ug suntoy gikan sa ako bestprin. Salamat sa ginoo sa paghatag nako ug mga amigo nga gahuna-huna sa akoa basta na’y uso.  

Wa ko kasabot unsa gibati nako ato, kung kaihion ba ko o kalibangon. Nakatesting naman pud ko nasumbagan sa itlog mao makasulti ko nga lahi ra jud. Sakit tuod ang itlog pero kanang suntoyon ka, mura ka’g bata nga nakakaon ug pan-os na gatas, magsuka-kalibang ka jud sa kasakit. Naa gain ko nasinati nga klasmeyt gikalintura human masuntoyan. Naa pud usa nga misuka, pero bago lang man pud mi nahuman ug paniudto ato unya gisuntoy mintras nagkuha ug tubig.

Tungod kay buotan ko na amigo, syempre mobalos jud ko. Pila ka adlaw ako gipalabay para makalimtan niya iya gibuhat sa akoa. Panghambog niya sa amoa mga amigo giunsa ko niya paglubot. Katawa lang pud ko. Hahahaha! Lagi naisahan ko. Abi niya wa na to sa akoa. Di oy! Wa siya kabalo nga mura ko utok ug bao, di makalimot.  

Nakalugar ko pag pananghid niya nga mangihi lang siya pagulian namo sa udto. Upat ka adlaw na ang milabay pagkahuman ko niya gisuntoy. Sunod ko sa iyaha, gihulat nako nga abrihan niya iya zipper ug igawas iya manoy. Pagsugod niya ihi, luhod dayon ko ug gitusok nako ako duha ka tudlo sa iyang kibot, syagit dayon ug “kabalos na ko!!”

Tawn ako amigo, naihian iya karsones ug sapatos sa kahapdos. Wa siya kabalo kung undangon ba iya ihi o gunitan iya kibot. Syagit siya “Yawa ka bai! Ihian taka karon!” ug dayon tuyok atubang sa akoa. Syempre nakadagan nako. Ambot giunsa niya paguli nga basa kayo iya karsones, basta pagkahapon mi-absent naman to siya. Pila pud ko ka adlaw niya wa tagda. Tsk! Pikon jud.

*************************************************************

Lahi pa atoa. 3^rd year hi skul ko naay nahitabo nga di nako malimtan. Kani lagi magpataka ug suntoy2x maski sa mga di nimo suod. Basketbol to, wa ko labot sa dula kay nag guna ko sa amo CAT (PMT naman guro ang tawag ana karon).

Ambot unsay nahitabo kay nag guna lagi ko ug sagbot pero paglingi nako nag sinuntoyay naman ang mga laki didto nga ganina lang nagtanaw lang sa dula. Undang ko guna kay lingaw man pud ang suntoy basta dili ikaw ang biktima. Ug naay bryt na bata nakahuna-huna ug apilon ug suntoy iya klasmeyt na gadula ug basketbol. Pagdribol sa iya klasmeyt iya dayon gisundan ug gitusok ang lubot. Nangatawa tanan human miambak ang tibaghak! Pagkatapos siya mahuwasan sa kasakit, lingi siya sa nagsuntoy sa iyaha na gatindog gihapon ug gakatawa (Bryt lagi) aron mobalos.

Natingala nalang ko nga gisuntoy man niya sa may tiyan dapita. Nahilom tanan pati ang gasuntoy. Pagsaka niya sa iya polo nga uniporme, nangluspad siya ug wa katingog. Nakita nalang nako nga wala na iya pusod ug naay mitulo na dugo. Gidagan dayon siya padulong sa clinic.

Ako? I was like, ewwww.

 

 

 

 

 

 

M2M

July 26, 2007

Now, this would be a good segue into my next topic. No, this is not about the girlie pop band headlined by Raven and whats-her-name though this is equally nasty.  

My introduction into the dark arts started innocently enough.  I have this friend who has an extensive collection of porno movies, magazines, jokes, playing cards and even toys.  This was the time when the Internet wasn't so affordable to bums like me so you could just imagine me and a couple of other boys frequenting his place. And it was quite a sacrifice on my part, too, because I don't particularly like him. hehe

Anyway, one day he handed me a nondescript cd, with the title scrapped by a coin or something sharp, I guess. He told me to check it out. That it's going to be the best porno movie I would see in my whole life. That statement right there should have warned me about the sausage-jousting I was about to witness. But how could I have guessed? When it comes to porno, he was the connoisseur and with all the Kung Fu movies I watched, nobody questions the teaching techniques of the ancient white-bearded master.  That earns you a lot of bitch-slappin' and a sermon — in subtitles no less. 

So I set out straight home and popped in the cd to the player. The movie skipped the opening credits and went straight for the jugular: two males in underwear eating apples in the sofa. I beamed. Ooohh… this is going to be a sandwich action (for the uninitiated, sandwich could mean two girls and a boy or two boys and a girl). All the elements of a porno movie are there: bad lighting, cheesy soundtrack, an exaggerated moans.  I remembered wondering aloud why the preoccupation with apples 'coz the male actors were moaning while eating up that apple like it was the first meal they've had after weeks of being stranded at sea. Well, the first actor certainly looked the part since he was emaciated judging from the ribs poking out from his sides. 

Then the other, plumpier actor did a most curious thing. He poured apple sauce to the nipple of his famished partner. Okay,  I thought, anytime now the woman will enter the picture. Probably dressed as a French maid admonishing the two men for "being naughty" and threatening to spank them. Meanwhile, the actor was rubbing that apple sauce from the thin actor's nipple and throughout his whole body. His neck, torso, arms. The apple sauce dripping towards his underwear to his erect phallus. 

I looked towards the door behind the two actors. Okay girl. You've had your fun by keeping me waiting. You can come in anytime now. From the corner of my eye, I saw the hairy sonafabitch licked the apple sauce!

WTF! They're not waiting for the girl? 

It dawned on me while the famished actor was moaning in pleasure that I've been suckered.  This is M2M or male to male action. That bastard! No wonder I didn't particularly like him. What did I do? Well, I was already there and the two actors seemed to like licking each other very much and it would be rude to stop them, and I was mildly curious. So…  

The first ten minutes was hell. I tried to be clinical about the whole thing but it's like watching a snuff film where somebody is getting whacked in video. You know the feeling that you couldn't bear to watch but your curiosity gets the better of you and you couldn't do anything else but watch? I never saw too much licking in my life. My dog didn't lick that much and he was a slobber. Then when one of the actors took into his mouth the angry phallus of his partner, my head blew and I nearly threw a shoe at the television set. 

Man! that was intense. (I wonder why I didn't turn the player off right there?)

The next 10 minutes was pure agony but for an entirely different reason. You see, as my mind protested, my pupils started to dilate; goosebumps crawled from my spine up my neck; my breathing expanded and shortened to regular breaks.

And Jimminy Cricket swelled.  

I watched entranced at the two men, fully naked on the sofa, in a missionary position and necking. My boxer shorts now a bundle of activity, like a caged animal thrashing and flaying to get out. A glint of sweat dripped from my hair to my temple even as the electric fan idly hummed behind me.  

My right hand traced my chest down to my stomach, passing over my navel.  The animal inside my underwear stopped thrashing for it knew it soon would be released. I arched my back as my hand continued its descent, down, down towards my boxer shorts. The air stilled.  

And before I trounced upon the whole macho family legacy I hold dear. I heard a click. It was my left hand flicking the off button in the TV remote.  I immediately got up and took a shower. 

Whew! 

I know exactly how you feel.

Relieved as hell.  

Flipping the bird

April 17, 2007

A short history of the longest finger

Giving someone "the finger" is one of the basest violations in modern culture, but its origins date back over 2500 years. The first written record of the insult occurred in ancient Greece, where the playwright Aristophanes (the Adam Sandler of his day) made a crude joke mixing up the middle finger and the penis. Even back then, the bird was considered an aggressive, phallic put-down.

It has been argued by anthropologists that the finger is a a variant of a classic "phallic aggressive" gesture used by primates. By jabbing a threatening phallus at your enemy like a wild animal, you aren't just belittling him, but also making him your sexual inferior. Instead of using a real penis, civilized Janes and Platos called upon the substitute wieners within their own hands to mock, threaten, and humiliate opponents.

And boy, did it. When the Romans imported the art, music, and culture of the Greeks, the finger came along, too. Roman Emperor Caligula, a pioneer in perversity, frequently shocked his citizens by forcing them to kiss his middle finger instead of his hand. One of his subjects, Cassius, who Caligula often taunted as being too effeminate, finally had enough humiliation and assassinated him. Clearly, the bird was not to be taken lightly.

During the Middle Ages, the finger went underground. It was still known, but the Catholic Church frowned upon its use, as the middle finger was supposed to be holy in the Mass. The unholy insult lurked deep within the hearts of filthy- minded folks everywhere, hiding from sight until the 19th century when it began to crop up again thanks to a new invention -photography.

for a full version of the history click here
http://www.ooze.com/finger/html/history.html