The gatekeepers

July 5, 2007

Okay, I’ve held on long enough on this.

The powers-that-be in the church laid down a dress code for those who want to hear mass. Under the dress code, women should not wear short skirts, skimpy shorts, sleeveless blouses, tank tops or spaghetti-strap tops and plunging necklines. Men, on the other hand, should avoid shorts and basketball jerseys (good! I could still wear my tank top, woohooo!).

Instead, women should wear long gowns (?), dresses or collared blouses while men should stick to “long-sleeved polo shirts, collared shirts, or t-shirts paired with either slacks or jeans.”

The dress code was initiated because, apparently, some parishioners were “scandalized.”

Uh, okay.

What about a sleeveless blouse that makes it scandalous? If these perverts find something arousing about a bare arm, then they shouldn’t be going to church, they should be committed to a mental institution.

The mini-skirt?  Who gets off from underwear peek-a-boo aside from the priest? The layout of the church, where every parishioner faces the pulpit would make it near impossible to look around for panties under the mini-skirt, except for the priest who’s got the VIP view that is, and I don’t hear him complaining.

Tank tops, spag straps? Please! How could you strip the girl naked in your mind (we do that, you know) while a giant image of Christ nailed to the cross is bearing down on you? Sure, there are men who possess the cojonés to actually do this inside the church but if you could do that while guilt is pounding a sledge hammer the size of a truck on your conscience, I say good luck!

These hypocrites need only to go outside the church’s door to see a mass of poverty — beggars in frayed clothes, vendors in shorts, teens peddling sampaguitas in sando (tank top if you’re rich). So now we’re going to exclude them from the collective?

What about that old woman selling candles with no bra on? Should we now flag her for immorality?

I have a better idea. Instead of chastising those who violated the dress code, I say throw out those hypocrites who were “scandalized” by the way others dress up. See, if they think the blouse of a parishioner plunges dangerously close to George W. Bush’s IQ level, then they’re not paying attention to the Eucharist in the first place.

While we’re at it, throw away those bishops, or pope or whoever issued the circular, for listening to these hypocrites. I know why they give these hypocrites their most favored ear and it’s not because they think alike. It’s because these hypocrites, garbed in their best Sunday dresses to impress other parishioners, are the church’s biggest contributors. See, they try to buy their way into heaven and the church is all too eager to advertise — in neon no less.

These people are so busy looking around for somebody to put down so they could feel good about themselves that they fail to notice a little detail about the thorn-crowned man suspended on the wall, bloodied arms outstretched, and head bowed in eternal curtsy.

That’s right fuckers, Jesus Christ is naked.