Bitoy’s funniest

May 17, 2007

The other day, I went with my Thai translator to the refugee camp. The entrance to the camp is "protected" by a military checkpoint to monitor who are going in and out. Supposedly, the camp is a haven for drug pushers and criminals as well as illegal immigrants that the military is "forced" to secure it.

So we hiked a few meters towards the camp and asked for permission to go in. The translator, who learned how to speak English by watching movies and reading books, explained to the guards on duty our reasons for visiting the camp and what we intend to do.

The Thai soldier who listened to us waved his hands in dismissal. No, we're not allowed to enter the camp. From what I could sense, his reasons for not letting us in is personal. I just don't think he liked us. He just waved us off like a fly over a turd. It's unfair, I know but I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

So we hang around the supermarket, waiting for his shift to end.  It was about 8:00 a.m. so we figured we come back in the afternoon and maybe our luck will hold in and we won't find him there. At around 3:00, we came back to the camp relieved to see that the soldier was no longer there. We approached the youngest-looking soldier manning the checkpoint and explained to him the situation. He looked over my credentials and my passport and I knew I was going in.

At that moment, the soldier who didn't like us popped out of nowhere. He pointed at us, his long rifle menacingly pointed halfway to the ground, and shouted gibberish.  "Waya waya waya waya," at least that's what it sounded to me anyway. I glanced at my translator to explain to me what the soldier was saying but he only looked agitated before telling me in a low voice:

"Run."

 So I did. I sprinted out of there quick as a flash and bracing for the bullets to hit my head. After some time, I noticed that I was running alone. I risked a peek back thinking that he was arrested or worse, killed. But what I saw unnerved me more than those two scenarios.

He was walking casually towards me and  the fucking worm was laughing.  

When he caught up to me, all he said was. "Funny, yes? Hahahaha"

Apparently, I didn't know I was the victim in Bitoy's funniest videos. I swear I could have socked his smirking face right there. I have a healthy sense of humor but that was just sick. To think I felt bad that I ran like that and leaving him.

So I laughed.

Hahahaha.

And fired his cheap ass.  

Switzerland my ass

Whew! a lot has happened since I've been here. I'm in Chiang Mai now near the border of Burma and some 14-16 by bus hours from Bangkok. Chiang Mai is a beautiful city. Perfect for sightseeing and picture-taking with its old cities and temples that have been preserved up to this time. You couldn't walk a few meters without seeing something new. And you have to walk here unless you ride their weird mini-buses, which is more like a pick-up truck restyled by some mad scientist to carry passengers on its back. Like a jeepney gone wrong. The signboards are in Thai so I don't really know where they're going.

It's a good thing that many Thais here speak English though the journey here is quite an adventure in itself. Asking for directions from people along the way who just continue to speak to you in Thai even if you say you don't understand. Like if they continue to talk, you will eventually understand what they're saying.  Then another Thai comes along to join in the conversation, then another, then another. Until you realize that you're surrounded by smiling Thais all talking at the same time. Yeah, like THAT would help me understand them better. It felt like in a twilight zone episode. Or better yet, the children of the corn.

Before coming here, I was in Petchabun. It was billed as "Little Switzerland" by some enterprising tour agent. The brochure said that it's surrounded by forested hills and mountains. With its cold weather, it's supposed to be a cool retreat for cynical travellers who want to see the true Thailand not synonymous to Bangkok.

Like hell! 

If that was Switzerland, then I don't want to go there. Petchabun is hotter than Fat Bastard's armpits. The map shows a lake but when I get there, i see only a canal made murkier by the perpetual heavy dew. This is rainy season so maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's better there during the cold months. But I don't know.

The only interesting thing that happened to me there was when I inadvertently ordered coffee where the rich foreigners converge. The place apparently was called "Farang's corner," farang is the thai word for foreigner. I met an Englishman and sparked a conversation with him. He told me a lot about Petchabun and Chiang Mai and his life story, too. He also told me something I didn't initially notice about Petchabun — there are almost no boys there. He said it's quite easy to get girls there into bed with you for free because of the shortage. Well, there is one teeny-weeny problem: you have to speak Thai first so good luck with that.

And he didn't pay for my coffee. Cheap English bastard.